Who Can Make My Kids Crazy... The Candy Man Can
Many shuls that I know of have a person who is known as "The Candy Man." The Candy Man is usually an elderly gentleman who sits in the corner of the shul. He's always pulling candies out of his tallis bag for all the little kids in the shul like some Bizzarro-Jewish version of Willy Wonka. He also usually has a son who is a dentist.
The purpose of The Candy Man in any shul is twofold - firstly, he's there to try to have the children enjoy coming to shul. After all, what four year old wants to listen to a bunch of grown-ups stand around, mutter prayers, read from some ancient scroll and listen to some boring rabbi's sermon? They'd much rather run around, cause chaos, and, under the right circumstances, flood the bathroom. However, The Candy Man is there to give them candy, so as to make them happy. He relieves their boredom and brightens up their day. He also gives them more than enough energy to run around, cause chaos, and, under the right circumstances, flood the bathroom.
The second purpose of The Candy Man is to torture the parents of young children. The Candy Man has no young children of his own, so he knows that there is really no way you can get back at him for loading your children up with so much sugar that they'll have enough energy to launch the next space shuttle mission. He knows that he doesn't have to deal with your kids when shul is over - you're the ones who have to take them home. Didn't you ever wonder why he had that constant smile on his face?
In every shul that I know of, The Candy Man is trying to perpetuate a form of immortality. Fifty years from now, no kid is going to remember some random old man who sat in the back of the shul, muttered to himself and smelled funny. But if he starts giving out candy, well now, you can bet the house that he'll be remembered fondly well over a half-century after he's gone. Where else can you buy such immortality so cheaply? Of course, the fact that The Candy Man still mutters to himself and smells funny only adds to the memory; sure it might otherwise make the kids wary of him - but candy conquers all such personality defects to a little kid.
I have fond memories of The Candy Man in my shul when I was a little kid. He was a kind old man who (of course, muttered to himself and smelled funny) loved nothing more than to give children candy. Of course, like many old people, he also loved to tell stories - and heaven help you if you got stuck there when he started to tell a story! I know one kid who spent the entire Carter administration listening to a story of his - trapped by the old man's side while he retold over the story (for the 463rd time) of how he, singlehandedly, chased a stray cat up a tree.
It's always been my experience that The Candy Man knows of a place to get candy really, really, really cheap. That's the only explanation for some of the candy he manages to come up with. Some of it is so old and hard, it's a wonder that it's not petrified. Last week, my little Channaleh got a piece of candy from him from with a wrapper that read "Congratulations on Your Inauguration, President Taft!" Now, I have nothing personally against President Taft, but I think that candy from ninety five years ago is certainly past it's prime and best not eaten. At the very least, one should not consume candy that is eligible to collect Social Security. There should be warning labels attached to candy which read: WARNING! DO NOT CONSUME CANDY OLDER THAN YOUR GREAT-GRANDPARENTS!
All this talk of candy reminds me - it's time to schedule an appointment with the dentist for my little Channahleh. The dentist is a nice guy and his father davens in my shul, sits in the corner, mutters to himself and smells funny.
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Glossary
shul - synagogue
tallis - a four-cornered garment worn by most Jewish men during prayers
President Taft - 27th President of the United States and the one (by the looks of him) to have most likely interacted with The Candy Man in his shul.
The purpose of The Candy Man in any shul is twofold - firstly, he's there to try to have the children enjoy coming to shul. After all, what four year old wants to listen to a bunch of grown-ups stand around, mutter prayers, read from some ancient scroll and listen to some boring rabbi's sermon? They'd much rather run around, cause chaos, and, under the right circumstances, flood the bathroom. However, The Candy Man is there to give them candy, so as to make them happy. He relieves their boredom and brightens up their day. He also gives them more than enough energy to run around, cause chaos, and, under the right circumstances, flood the bathroom.
The second purpose of The Candy Man is to torture the parents of young children. The Candy Man has no young children of his own, so he knows that there is really no way you can get back at him for loading your children up with so much sugar that they'll have enough energy to launch the next space shuttle mission. He knows that he doesn't have to deal with your kids when shul is over - you're the ones who have to take them home. Didn't you ever wonder why he had that constant smile on his face?
In every shul that I know of, The Candy Man is trying to perpetuate a form of immortality. Fifty years from now, no kid is going to remember some random old man who sat in the back of the shul, muttered to himself and smelled funny. But if he starts giving out candy, well now, you can bet the house that he'll be remembered fondly well over a half-century after he's gone. Where else can you buy such immortality so cheaply? Of course, the fact that The Candy Man still mutters to himself and smells funny only adds to the memory; sure it might otherwise make the kids wary of him - but candy conquers all such personality defects to a little kid.
I have fond memories of The Candy Man in my shul when I was a little kid. He was a kind old man who (of course, muttered to himself and smelled funny) loved nothing more than to give children candy. Of course, like many old people, he also loved to tell stories - and heaven help you if you got stuck there when he started to tell a story! I know one kid who spent the entire Carter administration listening to a story of his - trapped by the old man's side while he retold over the story (for the 463rd time) of how he, singlehandedly, chased a stray cat up a tree.
It's always been my experience that The Candy Man knows of a place to get candy really, really, really cheap. That's the only explanation for some of the candy he manages to come up with. Some of it is so old and hard, it's a wonder that it's not petrified. Last week, my little Channaleh got a piece of candy from him from with a wrapper that read "Congratulations on Your Inauguration, President Taft!" Now, I have nothing personally against President Taft, but I think that candy from ninety five years ago is certainly past it's prime and best not eaten. At the very least, one should not consume candy that is eligible to collect Social Security. There should be warning labels attached to candy which read: WARNING! DO NOT CONSUME CANDY OLDER THAN YOUR GREAT-GRANDPARENTS!
All this talk of candy reminds me - it's time to schedule an appointment with the dentist for my little Channahleh. The dentist is a nice guy and his father davens in my shul, sits in the corner, mutters to himself and smells funny.
=====================================
Glossary
shul - synagogue
tallis - a four-cornered garment worn by most Jewish men during prayers
President Taft - 27th President of the United States and the one (by the looks of him) to have most likely interacted with The Candy Man in his shul.
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