Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Stay Away From Me
RINNNNNNNG!
I was busy working on an article when the phone rang. There's nothing like a good interruption to derail a good train of thought. The ringing of the phone brought my brain to a complete stop, where it jumped the track and spilled all those poor thoughts all over the messy landscape of my brain. Initial reports indicate that there were no survivors of the derailment.
The phone call was from Debbie, one of our local matchmakers. Whenever Debbie calls, the first thing that goes through my mind is an image of Bea Arthur trolling for dates for her clients. The second thing that goes through my mind is the song "If I Were A Rich Man" because, if I were rich, they'd ask me questions and it wouldn't make one bit of difference if I answered right or wrong...because when you're rich... ah, you know the rest.
Anyway, so Debbie is calling trolling for information about Ari. Now, Ari's a nice enough guy, but I don't know him all that well. He davens in my shul, I wish him a Good Shabbos on Shabbos and a Good Shabbos on Yom Tov when I'm too drunk to know it's not Shabbos. Of course, there was the time that I wished him a "Good Yom Kippur" on Simchas Torah, but we won't go into that now.
So, she's got some questions about Ari. Nah, I don't mind answering them - after all, my work for the day is already lying in a chaotic heap of twisted and managled ideas somewhere at the back of my brain. Another few questions isn't going to harm the salvage chances.
She wants to know what color tablecloth his family uses on their Shabbos table. Well, let's see... I've never eaten by his house, so I can't say for sure. Wait, wait! My little Channaleh is friendly with his little sister and has spent Shabbos over at their house! Maybe she knows! Now, then, where did I put that kid? Isn't that the way it is... you put a six year old someplace and they just wander off! Channaleh! Channah! Oh, there she is. Channaleh, do you remember when you went to Rivki's house for Shabbos? My daughter says that the tablecloth was white until Ari's little sister spilled her grape juice. Then it was purple.
Shoes or loafers? What difference could that make as far as a shidduch is concerned? Oh, I see - if he wears loafers he doesn't waste time tying his shoes. Well, then, do I earn him extra points if I say he goes around barefoot and saves even more time?
If he was a girl, what kind of haircut would he have? Are you kidding?! I have no idea. Why not ask that if my bubby had wheels, would she be a trolley car? He's not a girl. If he was a girl, however, you wouldn't be calling me for this shidduch, that's for sure! So, let's just pretend he's a boy, OK?
Does he listen to non-Jewish music? Well, I know that when he walked into a Macy's last December he heard Christmas music. No, that's not what you're looking for? You want to know if he listens to non-Jewish music for recreation? Oh, well, I don't think so. I know that his favorite music is from Shlock Rock, which is 100% Jewish. No evil goyish tunes there!
Does his grandmother light oil or candles for Shabbos? Well now, I can't say that I know. I'm fairly certain that she lit one or the other. What difference does that make anyway? Oh, if she uses oil there might be a chance that she's using olives from Israel and that they weren't properly tithed... I don't know about that. I know she probably used oil for latkes, does that count?
Anything else? No? OK. Just out of curiousity, are you interested in whether he learns daily, or how he davens, or the chesed work that he does? No? Why not? Oh, those questions are old hat... I see, I see.
=====================================
Glossary
shul - synagogue
Shabbos - Sabbath
Yom Tov - (literally "good day") a holiday
Yom Kippur - the Day of Atonement
Simchas Torah - holiday where Jews complete the annual cycle of Torah readings
shidduch - a match
bubby - grandmother, who, if she had wheels, might be a trolley car
Shlock Rock - a group that takes non-Jewish songs and paradoies them with Jewish lyrics.
goyish - non-Jewish, somewhat derogatory
latkes - potato pancakes fried in oil, customarily eaten at Channukah time.
davens - prays
chesed - charity, good deeds
I was busy working on an article when the phone rang. There's nothing like a good interruption to derail a good train of thought. The ringing of the phone brought my brain to a complete stop, where it jumped the track and spilled all those poor thoughts all over the messy landscape of my brain. Initial reports indicate that there were no survivors of the derailment.
The phone call was from Debbie, one of our local matchmakers. Whenever Debbie calls, the first thing that goes through my mind is an image of Bea Arthur trolling for dates for her clients. The second thing that goes through my mind is the song "If I Were A Rich Man" because, if I were rich, they'd ask me questions and it wouldn't make one bit of difference if I answered right or wrong...because when you're rich... ah, you know the rest.
Anyway, so Debbie is calling trolling for information about Ari. Now, Ari's a nice enough guy, but I don't know him all that well. He davens in my shul, I wish him a Good Shabbos on Shabbos and a Good Shabbos on Yom Tov when I'm too drunk to know it's not Shabbos. Of course, there was the time that I wished him a "Good Yom Kippur" on Simchas Torah, but we won't go into that now.
So, she's got some questions about Ari. Nah, I don't mind answering them - after all, my work for the day is already lying in a chaotic heap of twisted and managled ideas somewhere at the back of my brain. Another few questions isn't going to harm the salvage chances.
She wants to know what color tablecloth his family uses on their Shabbos table. Well, let's see... I've never eaten by his house, so I can't say for sure. Wait, wait! My little Channaleh is friendly with his little sister and has spent Shabbos over at their house! Maybe she knows! Now, then, where did I put that kid? Isn't that the way it is... you put a six year old someplace and they just wander off! Channaleh! Channah! Oh, there she is. Channaleh, do you remember when you went to Rivki's house for Shabbos? My daughter says that the tablecloth was white until Ari's little sister spilled her grape juice. Then it was purple.
Shoes or loafers? What difference could that make as far as a shidduch is concerned? Oh, I see - if he wears loafers he doesn't waste time tying his shoes. Well, then, do I earn him extra points if I say he goes around barefoot and saves even more time?
If he was a girl, what kind of haircut would he have? Are you kidding?! I have no idea. Why not ask that if my bubby had wheels, would she be a trolley car? He's not a girl. If he was a girl, however, you wouldn't be calling me for this shidduch, that's for sure! So, let's just pretend he's a boy, OK?
Does he listen to non-Jewish music? Well, I know that when he walked into a Macy's last December he heard Christmas music. No, that's not what you're looking for? You want to know if he listens to non-Jewish music for recreation? Oh, well, I don't think so. I know that his favorite music is from Shlock Rock, which is 100% Jewish. No evil goyish tunes there!
Does his grandmother light oil or candles for Shabbos? Well now, I can't say that I know. I'm fairly certain that she lit one or the other. What difference does that make anyway? Oh, if she uses oil there might be a chance that she's using olives from Israel and that they weren't properly tithed... I don't know about that. I know she probably used oil for latkes, does that count?
Anything else? No? OK. Just out of curiousity, are you interested in whether he learns daily, or how he davens, or the chesed work that he does? No? Why not? Oh, those questions are old hat... I see, I see.
=====================================
Glossary
shul - synagogue
Shabbos - Sabbath
Yom Tov - (literally "good day") a holiday
Yom Kippur - the Day of Atonement
Simchas Torah - holiday where Jews complete the annual cycle of Torah readings
shidduch - a match
bubby - grandmother, who, if she had wheels, might be a trolley car
Shlock Rock - a group that takes non-Jewish songs and paradoies them with Jewish lyrics.
goyish - non-Jewish, somewhat derogatory
latkes - potato pancakes fried in oil, customarily eaten at Channukah time.
davens - prays
chesed - charity, good deeds
2 Comments:
It really is disgusting the things that are focused on during a shidduch. Some things just can't be helped and aren't the person's fault but are held against him regardless
By Rebecca, at Mon Nov 14, 09:56:29 AM
To be fair, Rebecca, some of this stuff was completely made up by me. This blog is a humor blog.
By Zev Steinhardt, at Mon Nov 14, 10:28:25 AM
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